I wanted to tell you.

I’ve been wanting to tell you some things, but I haven’t had enough time or patience to give them their due, to connect them in a coherent story. So they sit in my head, unsaid. Sometimes I’m too busy living my life to write about it. Not writing makes me grumpy. It’s a physical need, to process through words, to wonder. But things move fast, and writing requires stillness.

So I wanted to tell you some things and it may not be perfect.

I wanted to tell you that we’re not too old to play. I nag my kids to go outside and they turn it around, ask me to play Capture the Flag. I have to force myself say yes. Lo and behold, despite myself, I have fun.

I wanted to tell you that my 15 1/2 year old niece joined in last time and was as into it as any of us.

I wanted to say how fast they, and we, grow up. My sister pulled into the driveway to pick up this teenage girl who had been screaming with abandon, “Get the flag!! Get the flag!!” My sister moved to the passenger seat, and my niece took her place behind the wheel. I watched her drive away.

I wanted to tell you to keep playing, as long as you can, even though our bodies can’t keep up with our spirits. A couple of weeks ago my husband’s softball team learned that bitter lesson three-fold, with a broken leg, a torn Achilles, and a fractured finger. Yet wary teammates will return to the field, weighing real risk against real fun.

My Dad plays football every Sunday with the same group of guys. Football is for him like writing is for me. It fills his well. Last week a player came out of the game feeling sick. Tight chest and nausea. My Dad rushed his friend to the hospital a few blocks away, where he had a heart attack in the waiting room, surrounded and saved by paramedics, thank God.

I wanted to tell you so much more, to unravel the string of words that is knotted in my heart and head. I wanted to tell you to play while you can, that there’s not enough time not to play. There’s not enough time for perfection.

I wanted to tell you I appreciate you.

And it’s time for the next thing…


5 thoughts on “I wanted to tell you.

  1. Hi Laura, what a small world!

    This is Dyane Leshin-Harwood, your Pali High classmate. I was browsing memoirs on WordPress and your post popped up! I’m your newest follower and look forward to reading your blog.

    My memoir “Birth of A New Brain – Healing from Postpartum Bipolar Disorder” will be published next year by Post Hill Press, and I’m a perinatal mental health advocate. I run a free moms with mood disorders support group in Santa Cruz. I’ll definitely check out your books, and I’m so glad I came across your blog!

    Take care,

    1. Hi Dyane, thank you for getting in touch, and congratulations on your forthcoming book! I’m so glad you came across my blog, and look forward to reading your blog and book. What important work you do. I’ll gladly help spread the word. Best wishes, Laura

      1. Thanks so much for your response, Laura! It was fun to sift through the various blogs tagged “memoir”, spot yours, and do a double-take. I search through a few WordPress tags closely each day (i.e. postpartum depression, bipolar, memoir) so I can discover cool blogs about the topics closest to my heart.

        I love the Writer’s Life series you’re doing! I’ll spread the word about your blog via Twitter, my slight (nudge, nudge, wink, wink!) addiction! 🙂

        have a wonderful evening, and I’ll keep in touch,

  2. I love this post. I’m terrible at making time to play and need constant reminders. So thank you! So happy your dad’s friend is okay. Phew.

    1. I need constant reminders, too! You know what they say, we teach what we most need to learn.
      And yes, phew, a miracle about my dad’s friend. He’s coming home from the hospital today.

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